I've picked apart my body when I weighed 120#, 160# and 200#

The common denominator? I used food and exercise to cope with my emotions.

At 120# I was commended and celebrated for “looking great”, “looking so skinny”, “always smiling”, “staying motivated”. The reality? I lost weight too quickly and was terrified to gain it back. Hungry was an understatement. Working out 2X a day, eating clean, and intentionally avoiding labeled foods so that I wouldn’t have to accept I was severely under-eating. I was terrified to appear I had lost control. Terrified that my body was on display as a future bride. I was a ticking time bomb. 

At 160# I miscarried. I turned to food and sleep to ignore the pain. I had suppressed hunger for so long that it poured out like a busted pipe. I covered my body in shame. Cropped out my arms in pictures. Avoided intimacy. Wore too much makeup thinking it was a distraction. And I would exercise simply to burn calories and punish my body for what I chose to eat. Enjoyment didn’t feel like a valid option anymore. I thought I could hate my way to a smaller, better me.

At 200# I was postpartum. Tired. Lost. Overwhelmed. I felt so far behind. I thought, “why try?”. I had days where I barely ate anything and days where I hid in my car eating peanut butter M&Ms. No one asked how I was doing. No one told me to rest. But I wouldn't have listened anyway. I was blinded by pride. I was only commended when I sought weight loss and told I would "feel like myself" when I "got my body back".

Not once was I encouraged to eat enough to heal my body. Not once was I encouraged to get stronger. I had to search for answers on my own. Why is that? Why are we telling women that a smaller body is the condition necessary for feeling like themselves again?

There is no number on the scale or on your clothing that can change what you think about yourself. The only way to really find peace is to face it. Sit with it. Talk about it. Everyday. And ask for help.

Body acceptance is something you choose to believe today—not when you’re in a smaller body.